The first prize to be awarded today is The Trainspotting Prize and the recipient is obviously Les Mort who could easily have won a prize for quizzing which he has excelled at since Granada TV set up their stall in Manchester. Let’s just say he is the nearest we have got to a media star. However we all know that trains are his first love and that heart comes before head in this case.
The next prize is awarded to Martin Baggoley and his prize is For Getting Away with Murder. As most of you know Martin has written umpteen books about historical murders and other crimes in Lancashire and further afield. He spends hours researching crimes and knows every trick in the book, maintaining a compassionate approach to both the innocent and the guilty. If you find yourself near the gallows he is your first port of call.
Our third prize is awarded to Darrell Jackson whose early hobby recorded us in our prime before we knew what life had in store for us. Darrell spent the whole of a legacy from his uncle, ten whole shillings, to purchase a 35mm camera and hasn’t stopped clicking and snapping since. Darrell receives the Photography Prize. Is it a sadness that he did not appear in any of the old school photos, because he was taking them, or a blessing? Please shout out your opinion.
Next on the list for a prize is James Lancaster, or Jim as we called him at school. Who would have thought that this tough guy would be quietly giving such thoughtful and kind support to so many of our EGS friends? His prize is awarded, however, for his gruesome and dramatic description of his vasectomy, recounted at one of the Moon under Water get-togethers and leaving several of us traumatised for a good while afterwards. His prize therefore is for Drama and Story-telling. Clearly he has a future on Netflix.
The fifth prize should make us all proud. It is a prize for the only one of us still in gainful employment after all these years. It is awarded to Alan Edge for Boosting the British Economy Now admit it, don’t you wish that you too still knew how to do stuff, and remember what you are doing it for ?
The last prize epitomises the attitude that our teachers and parents instilled into us: don’t waste anything and only replace it when truly necessary. (Show the small pair of green knickers to the group. ) It has come to our attention that these bottle-green gym knickers have ben washed so much that they have shrunk and no longer fit. Therefore, as the Prize for Good Service Awarded to the Head Girl we would like to present Hazel Brown/Sutcliffe with a new pair of knickers knowing that, in time, she might grow into them.
Thank you for listening, and remember that if you work hard, you might also receive a prize at our next Speech Day.
Prize for Trevor presented by Beattie Baker lookalike. Trevor, thank you for presenting this year’s prizes; it was hard to tell the difference between you and Harry Fairweather. Now it is your turn to receive a prize - the school prize for ROAMING FREE. Apparently, your wife is always keen to wave you off and knows that you are likely to be in any country ending in -uzbeki or -stan or suchlike, and only if she is really desperate would she come looking Up the Orinoco. Well done, Trevor.